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meow....

When the moment was done mac awoke to a familiar site..the pucker of a fat mans <deleted>.
It all came back to him...
"I remember now. I became aroused because I have a Simon Peg fetish. There was a wonderful lad posting ferrociously on my favourite forum and he (seemed ) to look the part. I was smitten. But love is a cruel beast. He burned me down on the "How will you die" thread. If I couldn't be with someone who kinda looked like Simon Pegg I would become someone who kind'a did.
That night I danced the dance of the red shoes alone. Not even the soft sounds of my kilt against the heather I planted could console me.
The following months were a haze of backroom surgeries and improvisation tutoring. Before I knew who I was again...I wasn't.
The spiral steepened toward bottom. The things I did to get to Britain, much less the audition. Once I made it to Simons arms I could forget Corvus. Simon would understand. The REAL Simon would understand!
He was like all the rest. He was just like every other man or woman who reminded me of Simon Pegg. They pretend to kind of remind me of Simon Pegg then they spend hours farting on me. Now the real Simon had done the same.Woe is me.
Who am I now? Am I Mac? Am I Corvus PeggsiiiimonnnMaculdennnnnnnnnnooooooooooo!!
I decided to end it. Sepuku was the only way out. Unfortunately my Claymore proved to lengthy for the task so I made use of a nearby grapefruit spoon. Corvus's final words rang in my ears," Eat Me."
"No ,Corvus. It is I who will eat...me!"
"Ode to a Haggis" played in my mind as I did the bloody work. Before I knew it the job was done. I tasted of eel pie and mead.
Now I'm not but a set of lips beset on all sides by red hair. As I sing a round of "Bonnie Bessy Logan" I notice the chapping has gotten worse. Soon enough I'll be naught but a rust colored wisp gathered amongst the bunnies O' dust. Before I go the way of all off-cuttings let me just say..."
" From this point on its all crying and proffessions of love for Simon Pegg.", the officer explained.," I don't want you to worry, Mr Kulde. The Gambian rats he had been raising to guard his bed room made short work of 'em. It's not like he was going anywere once he was just a set of freak'n lips! I mean d#mn!"
"Thanks so much, Officer Castle. I feel safe for the first time in a long time....It feels good."
Corvus cradled himself against the cold of evening as he watched the squad car disappear around the bend. Corvus Pulled his cell phone from his pocket. He knew it would soon ring. " Corvus, is it true?"
"Yes, Simon. We're finaly safe."
(Slow pan up and away towards the stars as Doomsday Serenade plays. Credits role.)

Stopping by woods on a bloody evening?

Andy bev01 stood to close to the fart choked posts before him and was killed thereby when the wind changed.

Corvus Kulde went for a walk and he tripped & fell on Mac, Mac got up & explained in detail why he shouldn't fight. Mac's dad Andy came by and decked Corvus Kulde so hard that his nose went straight to his brain and killed him, then Andy turned to Mac & said you need to learn to defend yourself instead of me doing it for you, and Mac said why should I you always do it for me!!!!

Flying too low over a golf course one morning, witchy was caught unawares when the sprinkler system kicked in.

"What a world, what a world" could be heard as she melted away.

Andy was having his usual turpentine on toast one morning, when he realized that he ought to have died the previous tuesday. So he hung himself from his kitchen light, toast dangling limply from one hand

As Miss Monster snuck into Andy's kitchen to harvest his organs, she failed to notice a piece of buttered toast (buttered side down, of course) on the floor, slipped on it, and careened into the open butler's pantry and fell 3 stories head-first into the basement floor.

*bump*

Andy cut in line at the pharmacy because he needed his prescription much more than the bus full of seniors already waiting. On his way out he was tripped by a mysterious cane and fell into the parking lot where he was repeatedly run over by the senior center van.

Notice I never once said you were old.

Witchy went to Mac's house to visit the butterfly garden in his backyard, where he had attracted a number of butterflies with soggy marshmallows. She wandered off on her own until she was in a very shady part of the yard, when she noticed she had stepped on something. So she took off her shoe to see what it was and there was an incredible rainbow butterfly stuck to the bottom. 'If you free me, I'll grant you 3 wishes' said the butterfly (very quietly and with much difficulty since most of it's face was gone) 'Heck no!' said Witchy 'Rainbow butterfly is a delicacy where I come from!' so she pealed it off her shoe and began to munch on it. 'A pox on you!' the butterfly cursed as she munched away. Unknown to Witchy, it stained her tongue in a rainbow pattern. She made her way back to Mac's house, feeling very pleased.

'Hey Witchy, would you like a drink?' asked Mac.

'Sure, sounds lovely.' Witchy answered, showing off her stained tongue.

'SHEILA!' Mac screamed 'You ate my Sheila!' He smashed his glass on the counter and ran at Witchy with it, neatly slicing her throat, out of wich Sheila, the rainbow butterfly crawled, severely mangled.

'Sheila, I thought I lost you!' said Mac as he cradled the disfigured butterfly in his arms.

Witchy lay bleeding and twitching for several hours before her merciful death.

Ciuin licked Sugarloaf Mountain, just to see if it would live up to it's name. Her excessively drooly lick dislodged a boulder, which squashed her flat.

Poor thing, she was probably still hungry when she finished it.

Witchy forgot to store the last of her butterfly zombification potion properly. The next morning she mistook it for sugar and put her usual 5 teaspoons in her mug, drank it and turned in a bear.

She went on a vicious rampage across the country, ending up in Massachusetts where she happened upon Ciuin and proceeded to tear her to shreds.

A hunter saw what was going on and shot Witchy dead. He skinned her and sold her to a photography studio where she spends her days as a prop in nekkid baby photos.